Forgetting and Pressing On

Jan1

HAPPY NEW YEAR – 2016

“But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” ~~~ Philippians 3:13-14

Sometime in the future I want to write a post on Forgetting and Remembering – the things that God forgets and the things we are to forget, and the things that God remembers and those we are to remember – but for now, on this first day of January in 2016, I want to write about FORGETTING and PRESSING ONWARD.

Happy New Year 6

Yes, December 31st is always a good time to review the previous year, remembering what happened in those 365 days; how God used them to teach you, discipline you, encourage you, and grow you. A good way is to peruse your journals (if you keep them) or your prayer lists, or even your appointment calendar.

You will find that GOD has been faithful beyond any expectations, and that YOU have failed Him in many ways and at many times.  But you will also find, if you have truly sought Him in prayer and Bible reading, that you are – with His omnipotent help – becoming more like Jesus.

In the opening scripture, that is just what the upward call of God IS – to be transformed more and more into the image of His Son.

Happy New Year 7

 

So, today, on January 1st, resolve (if you make no other resolutions) to press on toward that “upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

 

How?

PRAY and ask God to give you a heart for Him; a humble, repentant, teachable heart. Ask Him to show you your sins and give you the strength by His Spirit to forsake them and not yield an inch to them…ever.  Tell Him of your desire to love and know Him more. Ask Him to guide you every day, and then follow that guidance.  IN everything and FOR everything, give thanks to Him (it’s a sacrifice of sorts, I know) for, if you truly want to follow Him, all those things are in His will for you, and will work for your good and for His glory.

READ the Bible a lot! Daily, several times a day. Listen to it being read and explained. Study it. Memorize it as God leads you. Ask Him to open the eyes and ears of your understanding so your knowledge of HIM will increase; not just intellectual knowledge (which brings pride), but heart knowledge (which will humble you). Long to truly know Him, as an intimate friend who will never leave you, as a dear Father who loves you unconditionally, as a constant companion to comfort and guide you, and as the savior of your eternal soul. Soak in the Words of His book. Sing them. Pray them back to God. Rejoice in them.

 

Happy New Year 5

 

 

 

 

Where Do I Do My Banking?

Dec1

Offering plateOne day Jesus and His disciples were watching the offering box at the Temple. (Mark 12:41-44) As they watched, many rich people put in large amounts. (That’s good, right? The priests and their families need support, the Temple needs upkeep. The rich people need tax deductions.) I can imagine the disciples giving a group “thumb’s up” sign.

Then a poor widow woman put in two pennies. She took her little coin purse, turned it upside down, and shook out those last two coins. Or more likely…she carried them all the way from home in her hand, tucked under her shawl, having emptied the last of her earnings jar before she came. She probably slipped them into the box making no noise at all.

But, you may think, what can two pennies buy? Some people won’t even bend over to pick up a penny from the sidewalk. Perhaps the disciples shook their heads at the uselessness and sadness of such a small offering.

But Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box.”

Huh?

He continued, “For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.” Jesus explained that the rich gave a percentage of what they had, while the widow gave all she had.

More actual cash from the rich men went into the Temple coffers, but more investment value from the widow reached Heaven’s treasury.

How strange is God’s bookkeeping. He considers things of lasting value, like heart generosity and sacrificial giving, more important than obligated giving. (Philippians 4:18*)

Yes, wise, carefully calculated donations are important, but God doesn’t really need our money.  He owns everything (Psalm 50:10-12*). He can give us all we need or ever ask for from the vast riches He has. (Philippians 4:19*) God wants our heart. He loves a contrite heart, a poor-in-spirit, humble, depending-on-Him-alone heart. This He praises and rewards. This glorifies Him. (Psalm 51:16-17*, Matthew 5:3*)

“Man sees on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

 

Lord, you see my  heart. You see the discontent and greed and coveting that I hold dear, and You see the struggle I have to defeat those sins. You see my worldliness, my love of things, my stinginess. But You also see my desire to know and to love You foremost…to treasure You above everything.   

Help me release to You all I hold dear, and give You my “last penny,” my future, my life… and then joyfully depend on You, O, Creator, Sustainer, and Owner of the universe and all that is in it. (Luke 12:32-34*)

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

*Philippians 4:18 – “I have received full payment and more. I am well supplied, having received …the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God.”

*Psalm 50:10-12 – “For every beast of the forest is mine; the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the hills, and all that moves in the field is mine. If I were hungry, I would not tell you, for the world and its fullness are mine.”

*Philippians 4:19 – “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

*Psalm 51:16-17 – “For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise.”

*Matthew 5:3 – “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

*Luke 12:32-34 – “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

Using My Bible’s Concordance to Pray

Nov27

HAVE YOU EVER USED YOUR BIBLE’S CONCORDANCE as a source of Bible Study or Devotional?

I don’t mean to find a particular scripture you need, but to choose A WORD, then go down the list of references on that word in your Bible – one-by-one – and consider what God might say to you about your subject… for that day or week.

(You can also use a Topical Bible, such as Nave’s if you have one.)

Recently, I’ve been wanting my prayer life to be stronger, meatier. I’ve read a few books on how to do that and heard a few sermons. Then I decided to go to the Book of Books and see how God would instruct me there.

BibleConcordanceUsing the concordance on my old KJV (which has many more references to subjects than the ESV version I read), I looked up the word PRAY, and beginning at the first one in the Old Testament, I read the referenced verse, then the surrounding verses in the passage.

I am amazed each time I do this to discover how and for what God wants me to pray. Thus far in the last couple weeks ( from Genesis, 1 Samuel, 2 Chronicles & Ezra), I’ve found:

1. pray for “good” people who need salvation (I listed a few friends who came mind.)

2. pray for believers struggling with sin in their lives (a few more listed – including myself)

3. pray for those who willfully sin and need discipline

4. pray for our country (America specifically) and the repentance and seeking God that needs to happen…beginning with believers.

5. pray for “the king & his sons” which I took to mean our president and his family. (I admit this is a hard one for me, but when I wrote down all their names, it got easier.) I begin by praying another verse from 3 John for them; “I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.”

I’m looking forward to what is next on the list – in a few days.

Does this sound like something YOU might like to do with prayer or perhaps with other subjects?  I’d love to hear your journey.

A month’s worth of daily prayers from James

Nov2

A way to use scripture to direct my heart to Him each day in prayer. (Copy and print them out in two columns, fold over and put in your Bible for your quiet times.)

12144585-hands-folded-in-prayer-over-open bible

  1. Help me to joyfully thank You for trials and testing today, knowing that they produce patience and spiritual maturity in me. (1:2-4)
  1. Remind me to confidently ask for wisdom and help in trials, knowing that you will give it. (1:5)
  1. Strengthen my faith, keep me from doubting Your promises. (1:6-7)
  1. Help me recognize and resist the temptations that come from my own flesh and from the world. (1:13-14, 27 b)
  1. Thank You for all the good and perfect gifts You give me. (1:17)
  1. Thank You for being unchangeable, steadfast and faithful. (1:17)
  1. Help me to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. (1:19)
  1. Thank You for saving me! (1:21 b)
  1. Help me to truly hear and obey Your word, and not just study it intellectually. (1:22-25)
  1. Keep me from sinning with my words today. (1:26)
  1. Show me how to demonstrate Your love and compassion to the sick and needy today.  (1:27)
  1. Keep me from showing partiality to others for what it will profit me. (2:1-7)
  1. Help me to demonstrate love for others by my actions. Show me how to be merciful and kind. (2:12-13)
  1. Teach me to give generously to the needy. (2:15-16)
  1. Keep me from being proud of my salvation. Remind me that faith is a gift and not something that I have worked for. (2:19-23)
  1. In my desire to teach others, protect me from error, and keep me from arrogant pride. (3:1-2a)
  1. Teach me how to bridal my tongue, knowing that I am otherwise useless to You. (3:3-4)
  1. Remind me how much evil and hurt my words can do to others. May my words today contain only blessings and affirmation. (3:5-10)
  1. Give me a wise and understanding heart. Let Your perfect wisdom guide every decision. (3:13)
  1. Cleanse me of bitterness, jealousy, and selfish ambition. (3:14-16)
  1. Help me be open to reason, peaceful, gentle, sincere, and full of good fruit and works. (3:1 7-18)
  1. Keep me from a quarrelsome attitude. (4:1-2)
  1. Teach me how to pray unselfishly.(4:3)
  1. Show me how to humble myself before You today. Thank You for your promise of grace. (4:6-10)
  1. Keep me from speaking evil of fellow believers, from criticizing or belittling them. (4:11-12)
  1. Help me always to seek Your will before making plans for the day and to wait patiently for Your direction. (4:13-16)
  1. Help me to do the right thing, even if it is hard or costly or humbling. (4:17)
  1. Keep me from loving money. Instead, focus my eyes on Your faithfulness and care for me. (5:1-3)
  1. Help me to be content in every hard situation and trial, and to rest in Your promises and presence. (5:7-11)
  1. Help my words to always be trustworthy. Keep me from any lies or deceit. (5:12)
  1. Teach me to pray with faith in all ways and circumstances: joyfully praise You, fervently intercede for others and myself, honestly confess my sins, knowing You hear and answer. (5:13-16)

 

 

Baa-baa FAT sheep!

Oct27

Reading Ezekiel 34:1-31 this morning (Yeah, strange, huh? But that’s where the reading list sent me.)

First the Lord condemns BAD SHEPHERDS of Israel: those who reap the wool, milk/curds, and meat of their flocks for themselves, not caring for the animals – neither the good ones nor the sick and weak ones, not looking for the lost lambs, letting the wolves get them.

Next the chapter talks about BAD SHEEP. Yep, you heard me. The verses describe them as “fat” sheep (as opposed to the “lean” ones).

~~~They eat their fill of green pastures, then tramp the rest of the grass down so nothing is left for the others.
~~~They drink their fill from cool, clear, still waters, then walk all through it to muddy it for the other sheep.
~~~They push and shove and butt each other to get the best for themselves.

MEAN, huh? Surely there can’t be any of those in the Lord’s congregation!

The last third of the chapter speaks of the Sovereign Lord himself as the GOOD SHEPHERD taking care of the sheep, feeding them and letting them lie down in green pastures beside cool still water, binding up the weak and lame, searching for the lost ones and bringing them home.

Reminds me of Psalm 23 (shepherd & sheep)

And of Jesus in John 10:7-16  (the Good Shepherd)

And, on third thought, also of  1 Corinthians 11:17-22 and 33-34 (bad sheep)

DO SOME READING IN THE BIBLE TODAY  about sheep and their caretakers – you will be blessed indeed. (click on the above references)

Baaaaa.

Thought Control

May5

Thinking man Psalm 139:23-24 ~~~ “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 ~~~ “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” 

Philippians 4:8 ~~~ “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on these things.”

*******

A close family relative is suffering with early to mid-stage dementia. She still knows us, but does not remember the things we’ve told her we’ve been doing….even twenty minutes before. She will often ask the same questions over and over, which can try the patience. An exasperated, ill-thought-out retort will sometimes bring on tears, though we are instantly sorry. The tears will occasionally turn into a day long funk.

A brief visit will reveal her loss of short term memory quite soon, but her long term memory is still pretty good, remembering people and events from long ago. She is quite able to get around for herself without mechanical help though she is in her 90’s. Not bad, we think, until we stay longer, or hear from her caregiver.

Why is it we are never freed from our old sin nature while we live on this earth? Why do lapses return when we are most vulnerable? When I am over-tired or stressed or have a headache, I will often retort sharply or react with anger to people or situations that bother me. I get irritated and annoyed and frustrated. Often I say things I regret. Sometimes a bit of profanity escapes.  I simmer and fume, or feel sorry for myself and mope.

But…. in a little while when I finally recognize what I’m doing, I am sorrowful and go to God to confess and to receive His forgiveness. All is well; peace returns.

But with short term memory loss, the words are spoken, the deeds are done, (sometimes quite shocking) and there is no memory of it later to bring conviction and repentance. So the person is at the mercy of their sinful nature raising its ugly head, even though they have given their heart to God and trust in Christ’s atoning death for their salvation.

What a cruel attribute of an aging/ailing believer’s mind!

I don’t know if it is possible to pray (to confess) for another whose mind is lost, but I do! I ask God to forgive her for these weaknesses.  I plead for Him to be gracious and merciful, and forgive, and to bring her peace.

O Sovereign God, You can do anything. Redeem the years “the locusts have eaten!” Let your light shine within her mind and redeem and restore.

Today, merciful God, let her begin to THINK on things that are TRUE, such as, Jesus is her Savior, and she is Your child. Let her begin to make her way back to You in the corridors of her mind, through Jesus, The Way, The Truth and The Life.  Today, let her think on (dwell on) whatever is true. Let no falsehood of thought or emotion intrude!

And Your Word is true. Bring your Word, the Bible, to her notice today. May she pick it up, open it and read TRUTH. May this powerful “Sword of the Spirit” defend her mind against the rising of her old natural tendencies!

“Is My hand shortened, that it cannot redeem? Or have I no power to deliver?”  ~~~ Isaiah 50:2b  

Yes, Lord, You can!

*******

I have continued daily to pray the things we are to “think on” from Philippians 4 – one each day – for this person, and am trusting God to honor His word and give her the peace that passes all understanding to guard her heart and mind.

Also…. I have purposed in my heart to read and commit more and more of God’s Word to memory, that – as He promised – it might “keep me from sinning” in my own old age.  Psalm 119:11.

Confession and Forgiveness

May4

1 John 1:8-9 ~~~ “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. “

angry wifeThis morning I got angry because the plans I’d made for the day were foiled.  I had carefully planned a day trip, which involved my hubby (which he had previously agreed to) and a visit to a family member, a pleasant lunch, and — using the car pool lane to drive the 70 miles through Los Angeles.  Over the weekend, however, Hubby made different plans unbeknownst to me, and declared that we would be having company at our house that morning.  

What? Had he forgotten MY plans? 

I stated (inwardly seething) that I would then go alone (suffer the congested traffic both ways) and HE could stay at home and meet HIS friends.  I did not, of course want him to agree, but he said eagerly, “Okay, if you are sure you don’t mind.”

Don’t mind?  YES, I minded, but I am stubborn of heart and stiff of neck. I oh-so-sweetly put my things in the car and backed out of the driveway. My heart was not loving and kind or happy. It was vindictive and petulant. I am sure I cut off several innocent drivers on the freeway and thought nasty thoughts about everyone for most of the hour and a half drive. It was only by God’s grace that I was not rewarded with a ticket or worse.

The visit was pleasant and by the time I left to come home I was almost over my grouchiness. I GUESS it had turned out okay, I thought reluctantly.   But later, when I sat down with my Bible for “quiet time” with my God, I knew it hadn’t.  The anger and petulance of the morning now stood between me and fellowship with Him, and I cried out in dismay.

*******

O my Father, I have sinned again today. I sin everyday, often. I am continually walking through mud puddles of sin; muck, dirt, dust, dung.  I try to avoid it, but I both blindly and willfully sin, like today.  Father I want to DIE to sin! I hate it, but I keep allowing my old sinful nature to reign.

I confess, I felt resentment and jealousy, and anger, and spite. But right now, I feel regret and sorrow for the words I spoke, for my foolishness and immaturity. Lord, I hate these sins!  I need washing!

I want to be loving sacrificially, as YOU love, not demanding my own way or pouting or going off in a huff. I want to be willing to be second place. Help me to humble myself and hate my selfishness.  May your spirit and Word rule in my life.

These are my sins, and many more. Just when I think I might be becoming more Christlike, I see that I am sinful and fleshly.  But, Father, YOU PROMISED that if I see my sins and agree with you about them and repent of them, that You will – for Christ’s sake – forgive me.

Christ’s death atoned for my sins – all of them – and satisfied Your wrath against me and them on the cross.  Even right now, You have said that He is interceding for me – pleading his own sacrificed blood before You for my sin. Cleanse me of these and all other unrighteousness you find in me – for His sake. As You promised.

I am standing on, depending on, this promise. As far as I understand Your Word, I am forgiven. My sins of this morning are wiped clean.  Thank You!

O keep these nasty “infections” from reoccurring again. (Oh, to be inoculated against sin!)  Holy Spirit, hit me upside my head when I begin to rebel! Word of God, permeate my dim wits and sound the alarm!  Father in heaven lead me, prod me, in the way that I should go and think and speak.

“Let the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.” ~~~ Psalm 19:14

Worldliness and The Word

May2

ipad_mini 2254930bHalf way through my allotted time for Bible Reading and Prayer this morning, I was reading emails and posting on Facebook from my iPad.  My Bible, prayer journal and pen, and my “Morning & Evening” devotional book by Charles Spurgeon lay beside me…unopened. 

Once again I had been lured away from spending that first hour or two of the day with my God in prayer and reading the Word.

Half, yes, HALF of my precious time was gone! I’d wasted it on frivolous things, seeing who was ‘following’ me, who wanted to ‘like’ me or comment on a post I wrote, or who ‘desperately’ needed an email response from me right now!

Me. Me. Me.  All me, and not a thought for my God…  Groan.

O Father in Heaven,  I am so guilty of breaking Your first commandment, of putting other things (gods) before you in my heart and mind. Why did they seem so important?

I want to love You and serve You and obey You with ALL my heart. O please forgive me. Cleanse my heart and mind of worldliness and selfishness and glory-seeking. May I not presume on Your grace and mercy and love.  They are so precious to me. I thank You for grace and for forgiveness which was bought for me with the blood and death on the cross of your precious Son, Jesus.

And yet, I keep sinning this way, putting other things (self) before You in my heart and mind. I’m acting as if Your Word were only there “in case of emergency” or to read “if I have extra time.” But I love You! I love your Word!  I hate that I am so easily lured away.

Father, use the Sword of the Spirit (Your Word) to prick and slice and stab me when I seek other things before and besides You. Remind me that without You I am lost. Without Your Word  I am adrift with no way to hear Your Voice.

  • “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” ~~~ 1 John 2:15
  • “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” ~~~ Matthew 22:37
  • “I love you, O Lord, my strength!” ~~~ Psalm 18:1
  • “Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things!” ~~~ Psalm 119.37
  • “I will lift up my hands toward your commandments, which I love, and I will meditate on your statutes. ” ~~~ Psalm 119:48
  • “(My) delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law (I will) meditate day and night.” ~~~ Psalm 1:2
  • “O God, You are my God; early will I seek you…”  “My soul will be satisfied… when I remember you upon my bed and meditate on you in the watches of the night.” ~~~ Psalm 63, 1, 5-6

Our God reigns!

May1

Awesome GodIsaiah 52:7 ~~~ “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, ‘Your God Reigns‘.”

God is sovereign. He is all powerful. He is majestic in beauty. He rules. He creates. His righteousness is forever. Heaven and earth will pass away, but He remains forever.

No matter what man does or thinks about Him, they will vanish like a vapor, but God remains. He is a rock. He is eternal.

His ways and thoughts are far above ours. His plans and promises endure; they are ALL that will endure forever.  Nothing man can do can change Him (mere fruit flies attacking the Washington Monument).

Our God reigns! Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, immutable. He reigns glorious!

O hosts of heaven worship Him. O children of God, saved by his mercy and grace, worship Him. Magnify Him. Praise Him. Glorify Him. Halleluia!

Our God reigns. No question!

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time, he may exalt you.” ~~~ 1 Peter 5:6

My Testimony

Mar1

girl-praying2

When I was about 9 years old, I asked Jesus into my heart at an evangelistic meeting at our youth camp at Hume Lake. I confessed that I was a sinner, thanked Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins, and told Him that I wanted to live for him.

Did I understand all that that meant at age nine? No. Was I sincere? Yes. Did I believe I was saved? Yes. WAS I saved? Later, I questioned that very thing.

*****

Already plugged into an evangelical, Bible-teaching, missionary-minded church, I went to Sunday School, morning and evening services, and Wednesday Night prayer meeting with my mom. I prayed to God during those young years – simple, childish requests – and believed that He would answer them. And He did.

I was a part of the monthly missions emphasis in the elementary grades, junior high, and on into the Women’s Missionary Assoc. I learned about our mission fields and missionaries, supported, and later hosted them in my home. At the beginning it was mainly Sierra Leone, West Africa, but later we had missionaries in Hong Kong, Macau, Honduras, Nicaragua, Jamaica, and eventually India.

I never dreamed then that I would ever get to see any of those places, but God has been so gracious to allow me to go to Africa twice since we moved down to OC and came to FBC. How good he is!!

(The old timers that I grew up with in missions at that church are the ones who faithfully supported me through prayer and giving when I went to Malawi.)

I met my husband at church when he moved here from Oregon and was living with his aunt and uncle, who attended. After we were married, we got involved in different ministries in that church, including leading the older youth group for a while, some Sunday School teaching, and the building program.

Sadly in the several years that followed, I strayed from my love and commitment to the Lord. Family trials after we adopted a son (and the bitterness that sprung from them), outside interests (including immersion in Musical Theatre that helped me escape from the anxieties at home – after all, they had romance, carefree songs, and happy endings!), resentments and bitterness (from things not turning out as I’d hoped), rebellion, and unconfessed sin left me feeling distant from God. I continued in superficial service, but my heart was far from Him.

GCCMeanwhile, our little congregation disbanded and sold the church building to a growing Hispanic congregation, and we started going to Grace Community Church. I was faithful in attendance, but only to Sunday School. (The worship services with the huge, multi-voice choir and full orchestra reminded me too much of Theatre, and I’d finally gotten out of that deceptive “world.”) My heart remained cold and withdrawn. I knew I needed to “get right” with God, but I stupidly resisted.

As I listened to the messages each Sunday, I realized that our former church’s doctrine about how a person gets saved was different from Grace.   (Arminism & Calvanism)

I had grown up believing that you heard the Gospel and through the Spirit’s “wooing,” you made a decision for Christ. But under the teaching of John MacArthur and Don Green, I began hearing that Jesus’ atonement was not for the whole world as I’d learned in John 3:16, but that God foreknew and chose and called “some” (His elect) for salvation before the world even began.

  • For those whom he foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom He predestined, he also called, and those who me called he also justified, and those whom He justified he also glorified. (Romans 8:29-30)

Suddenly I began to doubt my salvation. What if I wasn’t one of His elect? How would I know? I hadn’t had a huge night-day conversion like some had. I’d simply asked Jesus into my heart and believed that I was saved.  It was true that I had grown in the knowledge of God and love for Him over the years, but what if I was just deceiving myself?  What if I hadn’t been “chosen” by God to be saved?

The current rebellion and coldness of my heart made me fear even more.

open Bible pen & glassesI went up and down with this issue as FIRST I heard the teaching about God’s sovereignty, and THEN reviewed the details of my life over the past decades.  That feeling of distance from God at the time didn’t help. Was I saved or not? I asked Pastor Green how you could KNOW if you were God’s elect. He referred me to passages in I John, which we were studying.

By this we know we have eternal life….

  • If we walk in the light (1:7)…
  • keep/obey His commandments (2:3, )…
  • walk as Jesus walked (2:6)…
  • does the will of God (2:17)…
  • practice righteousness (2:26)…
  • don’t practice sinning (3:10)…
  • love and sacrifice for fellow believers (3:16-18, 4:7)…
  • believe in the name of Jesus (3:23)…
  • the witness of the Spirit (3:24, 4:13)…
  • believe that Jesus is the promised savior (5:1) and the Son of God (5:13)…
  • and love the Father (5:2).

I tortured myself asking how I measured up to all those “by this we know” verses.

I was still anxious and confused inside (okay, I was DOUBTING) when we moved to south Orange County and began attending Faith Bible Church. One of the first sermons I heard was Pastor Koh quoting John Piper asking if we would be satisfied in heaven if Jesus was not there. My heart answer scared me. Did I truly love Jesus supremely? If not, was I truly saved? Sometimes I just wished I’d led a horrible life of debauchery before, so I could see a huge difference at my conversion.

Sunday sermons kept hammering on the question of true salvation, urging us to examine our hearts to make sure we weren’t just living a “good Christian life” without truly knowing the Savior.

Gradually, during my quiet times (Yes, I had begun them again) I began to see the resentment, rebellion, and sin in my heart that I needed to deal with. I confessed those sins and more as God brought them to my mind, pleading his mercy, and receiving His forgiveness. Like the prodigal son I was coming home, but that big “election” issue still remained unsettled.

I knew Jesus had “died for my sins,” but I hadn’t then grasped the awesome truth of what that meant.

I prayed that God would just settle this question for me. To somehow SHOW me I was a Christian. Couldn’t I just see His “stamp of approval” on me – you know, instead of the Antichrist’s “666” on my hand or forehead, a “777” just so I could be SURE!

Then one morning when I was praying, begging, for some sign, I suddenly realized what a great sin I was committing. I was asking God Almighty, Creator of the universe, to single me out and show me special treatment just so I could believe, that I was one of his chosen.

I was like the Pharisees – having Jesus in their very presence, preaching and doing miracles, they had the gall to ask Him for some “sign” to prove to them who he was, before they would believe.

I was asking God to prove something to me too instead of just believing His Word!!

woman-kneelingWhen God showed me my heart – revealed this great sin of unbelief – I was horrified and I crumpled before Him. Such audacity! Such great pride! I couldn’t get low enough before Him even if I fell through the floor and kept going.

Oh, my God! I cried. I’m so sorry! How could I not just believe what You’ve said your Word instead of putting You to the test? Oh, what sin!  What a sinner I am!  Oh, God, please forgive me!

And with His great love and grace, He showed me the complete forgiveness of my sins. All had been paid for on the cross. He’d said it in His Word, but my sin, and doubt had blinded me.

Suddenly the gospel scriptures I’d read had fresh meaning.

  • In this the love of God is made manifest among us, that God sent his only son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation (accepted punishment) for our sins.  1 John 4:9-10
  • But God shows His love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8
  • There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1-2). 
  • But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved. (Ephesians 2:4-5).
  • And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our trespasses by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. (Colossians 2:13-14
  • For our sake He (God) made Him (Jesus)to be sin, who knew no sin, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21

What a glorious moment of assurance. Despite being a prideful, arrogant sinner, one who had strayed disgracefully away from Him, I was His child. He knew me, loved me, chose me, and sent his Son to save me.

All God’s righteous wrath was poured out on His innocent Son because of my sin. Jesus stood in for me and took the punishment I deserved. Then God raised Him up to prove that He was sinless in Himself.

God sees me through the blood of His Son – which blots out all my sin – and sees only righteousness. I don’t know how that can be, but God said it, and I now totally believe it.

I still need to read the gospel verses over and over to remind me of my position in Him, especially when I’ve allowed sin and distractions to take my eyes off Him. And I still struggle with pride, self-righteousness, conceit, love of glory, disobedience, and stubbornness.

*****

reading_bibleRecently I’ve been asking God to show me how to kill these sins in life, and He reminded me that the Holy Spirit uses His Word (the “sword” of the Spirit, Ephesians 6:17) to do that, so I’ve been reading the Bible more, with more thought. I’ve also asked Him to teach me to obey quickly, to submit to Him and to other authority, and to humble myself before Him.

It’s a tough learning process, and I’ve only begun. And sometimes He’s had to take me through some dark places. But it is WORTH IT.

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:1-2